IC INBOX

[undiagnosed]

action | text | voice

Comments

delivery

[demonicmiracle]

[Sometime after things have settled down, and therefore a few days after Christmas itself, a box of good bourbon is delivered to Archer's house.

The gift tag reads:

Archer,
This was Avery's idea, so you can thank him.
Happy Holidays.

It's always convenient to blame an angel.]

Re: delivery

[undiagnosed]

[yeah, he has no idea who avery is but he's gonna drain that bourbon in, like, some kind of land speed record.

he should probably say thanks.

but he gets too drunk and forgets where the bourbon came from. whatever.]

—XMAS GIFT (from robbie'd!Ray).

[handycapable]

[ On Christmas morning Archer will find a neatly wrapped, boxed bottle of cologne in his mailbox, with a card: ]

[undiagnosed]

[this is weird. this is too weird. archer turns the bottle over in his hands when he's brought it in and opened it. lucky it's from ray or it would've gone right into the garbage.

but... it's still too weird. he digs around in the kitchen drawers for that stupid shitty radio they're given in lieu of a phone and taps around on it until he finds ray.

ring ring, bitch.]

Ray? What's in the bottle.

[handycapable]

Hm?

[ Ray doesn't even sound cranky on the line, if a bit harried though, as if he's doing several things at once while he answers. He laughs, then continues brightly: ]

Cologne, dummy! What else would it be?

[undiagnosed]

[okay, well, ray is generally kind of chipper so archer doesn't, you know, jump to brainwashing.]

Since when have you ever got me gifts?

[handycapable]

What d'you mean? [ A little confused. ] You're my oldest friend, Archer, why wouldn't I?

[ Then, after a pause, clicking his tongue: ]

Ohh, I know what this is. You don't have to feel bad for not gettin' me anything, it's okay. I know how money's still tight for you, bein' jobless and all...

😐

[bibliophilicbells]

My dear boy,

Please know that it is not in my nature to threaten. I am a peaceful being whose purpose on Earth is to love, but my previous occupations burdened me with the responsibility of defending — using physical force if necessary — and I can assure you my training was top-notch.

That said:

If you ever hurt Crowley again, even in jest, you and I are going to have a problem.

Wishing you a blesséd day!

😏

[undiagnosed]

[he shouldn't laugh at this. but he does.]

I could take you if my entire leg was GONE
How are you being more of a baby about this than he was

[bibliophilicbells]

[Of course he does. Aziraphale glares at his device, as if sensing it.]

That can certainly be arranged, if you'd like to have a go of it.

[undiagnosed]

Just so I understand
You're asking me if I want to interrupt my afternoon to throw down and definitely win against a fop from London?
Hard pass

[bibliophilicbells]

[So incensed is Aziraphale by this response that he can't stop himself from typing, even as he announces in Crowley's company that "I'll show you a bloody fop you American oaf" — ]

No, but would you like to throw down against a Principality of Heaven and meet God ahead of schedule?

😟

[bibliophilicbells]

[Maybe five, ten minutes after Archer's taken off from their home on foot, despite Aziraphale's explicit instructions to Crowley — ]

Can you let me know that you get home in one piece?

[undiagnosed]

[he doesn't bother answering until he's home-- it's not a long walk and it's too cold out to bother with getting the wrist radio out and fumbling with the tiny-ass keypad in the cold.]

I'm not a child
PS if you take a while to reply to this I know why

[bibliophilicbells]

[UGH —

It does take a while.

Sorry.]

And you can't un-know it.

Have a nice day.

[undiagnosed]

I hate you both
I refuse on spiteful terms to enjoy my day
It will be shitty purely because of you

[bibliophilicbells]

[No reply comes.

Someone took Aziraphale's texting rights away when he saw the angel's thumbs getting ready to unleash a firestorm in capslock.

It's better this way.]

@mulberry; text

[fanoperator]

This is Huaisang. A bunch of people are missing--are you and Rapunzel okay?

[undiagnosed]

[it takes him a little while to get back to this for-- a bunch of reasons. he hadn't... realised rapunzel had been taken; archer'd just assumed she was Out with cass, maybe, some of her other friends. he's not her caretaker, so he hadn't checked in.

he's not sure if he feels guilty about that.]

I'm fine
Rapunzel's gone
I'm trying to work out how

text; like five hours after he sent him home

[demonicmiracle]

You owe me so much alcohol.

[undiagnosed]

Avery started it

[demonicmiracle]

And he's made up for drinking his share by other means. I doubt you're game for that sort of trade off, so you owe me booze.

1/2

[undiagnosed]

Give me a handjob to make up for it

[undiagnosed]

No, I'm kidding
Don't touch me

Whatever, you can have some of this Tequila I got
Tastes like weak piss anyway

[demonicmiracle]

You owe ME the handjob, idiot

How generous of you. Satan forbid you share anything decent